I’ve scrolled through how-to videos on reducing scar tissue lately. The truth is that after four c sections, I have a scar that affects how my clothes fit me.
And I don’t like it.
There are exercises, therapy, ointments and diets promising mothers that the “shelf” can be reduced – even disappeared without surgery.
But I have come to this conclusion and maybe it’s for you too:
I will never get my body back.
In fact, I’ll never be “myself” as I once knew it, again.
My hair will likely always be overdue for a trim, and it will only get grayer. My clothes won’t fit me the same anymore. My brain will always be preoccupied. My arms may be a new kind of strong – with the strength to hold lots of little ones at the same time. My wrinkles will only deepen with more years of the mom look and my “eye smiles” at my children.
My career (whether it exists or not) will always be something paling in comparison to this life work of child rearing.
Maybe that is just part of the rendering process toward the masterpiece of motherhood. We sort of fade a little bit… soften even more. Culture will tell us that we “lose ourselves,” when we become mothers.
But I disagree. I think we find ourselves. These marks and milestones recorded on our skin, and in our body fat percentage, and the missing years on our resumes are roadmaps that lead us back to who we actually are – who we are capable of being… when the worldly parts of ourselves fade further away.
Motherhood is such a hybrid, sacred space that allows women to be the conduit for new life. Its spiritual nature is bound to leave a lasting mark on its bearer.
After all, what better use for my mid section than child bearing? And what would I have to do with these arms if not holding my children? And why not let the distraction of children become the focus? My son shares the exact squinty eyed smile with me – the one producing these wrinkles.
Let me soften, then, and wrinkle, and be flexible. Let me embrace and include my children in all my life’s aspects – they are my own flesh and blood – the pieces of myself which allow the daily working out of my own salvation, with their own little hearts witnessing it all.
