“It is not the lesser of two evils, It is the greater of two Loves.”
I had a choice to make. I could continue living my life drowning in a sea of discouragement and disappointment, or I could learn to live in a new way. I was exhausted from trying to hold it all together. The idea of starting over seemed equally exhausting. “Why?” was a question I asked often in those days before I was shown a better question to ask. Why did I spend my whole life pursuing after this only to see it fail? Why lead me to this point just to have me start over? Why God? Why?
My conversations with Him at that time were often one sided. I often laugh at the thought now of treating the Creator of the Universe like my personal shrink, talking for an hour straight only to feel pressed for time before He could answer. At least I did not have to pay Him for His time, well, that is what I thought any way. Turns out He has a much more costly re-payment plan than I realized, but I would not realize that cost until many years later when I would actually start sticking around long enough to hear Him talk back. In the meantime, I wanted to ask all the questions.
“Why did you even let me be born if this was your plan for me?” I shouted with fists clenched. “In fact, Why even make any of us at all if you already knew we were all going to be failures and just muck it all up with poor choices from the get go! Who is the failure now?” My hands shook wildly at the air.
That is when I heard the whisper. At first, I thought maybe it was the air conditioning fan kicking on, but then it whispered again,
“Because I love you.”
My method for asking questions was beginning to change,
“What?” I mumbled, feeling like a lunatic for believing the air just answered back.
“You asked me, ‘Why?’ and the answer is, because I love you.”
I stammered back, “Well, that is not good enough, Lord.”
Silence. I crossed my arms and huffed as I sat legs crossed on the floor like a toddler pouting over not getting their way.
“That is what I thought,” I shouted back, “That is all you have to say? You are the Creator of the Universe and you make man and woman to live together on this planet, only almost immediately we are set at odds against each other and I spend my whole life making up for one woman’s mistake, chasing after love that despises me and constantly rejected for just being me. Nothing I ever do is right and the whole world seems ready to devour me in a moment. I have had to fight to exist since the day I was born and even when I rise to the top there is no one there who sees or even cares and you tell me all of this is ‘because you love me!’ This life is nothing but a barrage of choices between the lesser of two evils, I am damned if I do and damned if I don’t.”
I hung my head between my hands and sobbed, “Honestly, Lord, I am ready to give up on all of it.”
Just then I felt the air kick on. I looked up through my tears and heard nothing. Getting up from the floor, I wiped my tears forcefully on my sleeve and looked for a tissue. As I was blowing my nose with indignant resolve, I heard the gentle whisper begin,
“I knew from the beginning all that would transpire when I created this world. I had a choice to make then too. To create or to not create. Some might say it was a choice between the lesser of two evils, to live without the joy of creation or spend the rest of it making up for its mistake. Do not be deceived my Love, Life is not a choice between the lesser of two evils, it is a choice between the greater of two Loves. I could choose to love myself and keep everything in, or I could choose to love you and let everything exist. I chose you,…because I love you.”
The whisper paused and in between my own breaths I could feel a warmth growing from within.
“I can teach you,” He whispered again.
Teach me what? I whispered back silently in my head.
“How to love like that.”
I could feel the embers beginning to glow…
{Waking Eve: Waking Sleeping Beauty by Kim Engel}
WHAT ABOUT YOU? Do you ever feel like everything is futile and nothing will ever change? Would you be willing to look again?
